You have no idea how hard it is to buy actual goalkeeping gloves from an actual goalkeeping glove shop. Well, the chances are that you don’t, anyway. If you’re a goalkeeper you probably do, and if you’re not you probably couldn’t be less interested. So I’ll not dwell on the problem, suffice to say that I tried six “sports” shops, two of which had closed down, two of which had a very odd idea about what constitutes “sport”, one of which had no gloves that would fit unless you were six years old or had elephantitis, and one, finally, which had no gloves I actually wanted but at least a pair that fit. And then, just as I was queuing at the counter at 7pm this evening, the teamsheet finally arrived on my mobile phone and I wasn’t fucking picked.
I bought the gloves anyway in a show of defiance. You can take away my spot on the team but you’ll never take my … er … consumerism.
I would be the first to agree that if anyone is going to get dropped from the side it should be me. In a war, I would be what is known as ‘tolerable death figures’. Still, it’s pretty annoying to find out when it’s too late to arrange to play for all the other clubs that would benefit from my avant-garde goalkeeping performances, such as the local church under-7s.
And there is actually some skulduggery afoot here. The 3s have no game this week and 4s skipper Graham is away so 3s captain Jason Pinkett is leading the 4s out. And who does he have playing in goal? Alex bloody Pinkett. I assume that’s his older sister. Nepotism at the very highest levels of LOB football club!
Astute readers will realise that this is in fact the second Saturday in a row when I haven’t been picked to play. Last time they didn’t tell me I was dropped and I turned up to find I was warming the bench (but I got half a game, thanks to Gibbo being a gent). I sent Graham an email following that game:
Hi Graham, Of the eleven players that make up a football team, what would you say, in your experience, is the optimum number of goalkeepers? You might have spotted that most teams only play one goalkeeper. Perhaps they're being too conservative. Maybe you were experimenting with a radical shakeup of footballing tactics to rival Herbert Chapman's WM formation. Or maybe you put me down for the 4s in the teamsheet and then FORGOT TO TELL ME I WASN'T PLAYING YOU COMPLETE TIT. As penance you can read the match report on my blog, take your whipping like a man, and post a comment explaining your tactical reasoning: http://unsafehands.com -- Tough on goals. Tough on the causes of goals. steve
Another worrying development is that the 1s have a totally new name in the no. 1 jersey which means there’s a new keeper on the block and the 5s seem to have settled for a regular goalie too, so I could be on a Bosman very shortly.
To be serious for a moment, I want to make it clear to everyone that I mention in this blog pretending to be angry about something, or send emails to that I later publish here, that I’m just kidding. Seriously. I was even kidding when I asked club captain Jonesy to award me a clean sheet. I fully expected to get an email back saying ‘nice try you cheeky fucker’ which I could then pretend to be angry about but instead I actually got the clean sheet.
Everyone I’ve met at LOBFC has been absolutely charming despite some genuinely woeful performances from me, and the last thing I mean to do here is annoy anyone (else). I hope it’s all taken in the spirit it’s intended.